"Sometimes friends are like pennies, two-faced and worthless."

"Bad friends are like paper cuts, both are annoyingly painful and make you wish you were more careful."--Anonymous

I'm a very good friend to my friends. Very easy-going and understanding. I'm generous, thoughtful, and fun (especially over a bottle of wine). If you're dining out with me, you'll never pay for your meal. I've only fallen out with three chums in my entire life. One was a famous writer who decided I was a perfect doormat, another a Spanish-language interpreter with a volatile temperament. But one of those rare times when I erred in the judgment of another's worth as a human being continues to takes up space in my memory bank. I still feel that I did not deserve to be treated with so much nastiness.

Quick backstory: A decade or so ago, I was writing a magazine article about television reality shows, and I put an ad on Craigslist to find a few people willing to discuss their experiences appearing on "The Simple Life" or "The Bachelor" or "Big Brother." One response that I received stood out. HIs brief text said he was a magician and had "sawed [Insert Name of Celebrity] in half" on TV. That sounded like a lot of fun, so we agreed to meet for a coffee and an interview.

Other than his very strange haircut (he was going bald but weaved what looked like a small dead animal on the top of his head to cover up the obvious), this short, 40+-year-old guy seemed pleasant enough. But there was always something vaguely suspicious about him. I made it a point to remain somewhat aloof, although I was always very friendly.

Long story short, we became friendly, and I would occasionally be invited to parties in the loft apartment in Los Angeles that he shared with his European boyfriend. My career in the motion picture industry and book-writing credits were the only things that could have possibly attracted him to me, as his crowd were certainly not people I would have generally associated with. In fact, I made it a point to only put in a short appearance when invited to their very boring gatherings and to leave ASAP after one drink. Their coterie was too young (although he was not) and too superficial (which he definitely was!).

Time went on, and I'd heard that he was going to marry his European beau. In fact, one day, just before the wedding day, he called with an emergency request. He asked if I would allow them to hold their wedding in my home. At the time, I was living in a lovely house in the rather posh Hollywood Hills. Frankly, I was actually thrilled to play host for a same-sex wedding. I was assured that he and his fiancé would handle all the decorating and catering. I would not be responsible for anything financial. The day went splendidly, and I felt rather privileged to have been a part of their important day.

A short while afterward, I was called upon again, this time to write a letter of reference when he petitioned the U.S. government to get a residence card for his husband. Again, I was happy to do so. A while later, when they wished to vacation in England for the Christmas holidays (accompanied by two additional friends of theirs), I welcomed them into my home for a week. While they were with me in England, it was agreed that when I returned to America, I'd rent their house in Palm Springs for two months while they were away on business in another state.

Sadly, this was the beginning of how the friendship fell apart. I'll let you read the following letter that I had to write to them for you to get a better understanding of what happened:

Dear Idiot 's Name Withheld,

Many thanks again to you and Ding-dong's husband's name withheld for allowing me to rent your lovely home. I didn't think I'd enjoy living in Simpleton's city name withheld, but I now understand the appeal of the desert.

However, my satisfying time here has been permanently scarred by the insulting nature of the "bill" that you presented to me upon your return. It is based on pure fiction—an agreement possible only in your deluded mind. I'm surprised you didn't charge me for depreciation on the house and a pro-rated portion of the tax assessment.

When you visited and stayed with me in England, this past Christmas, you suggested that since you would be away from Dumbo's city name withheld for two months in the summertime, perhaps I'd be interested in renting your home and that you would give me "a good deal." That sounded like a fun idea, and we verbally agreed it could be mutually advantageous. As the time drew near for you to depart for Ninny's city name withheld, we agreed that I would rent your house for $500.00 per month, plus the cost of utilities and the housekeeper. Hence, I gave you a personal check in the amount of $1,000.00 to cover the months of May and June. You expected to return in early July and would provide me with an accounting for the utilities at that time. You kept extending your time away until it was more than 3 months longer than originally anticipated. I was willing to occupy your home through July, but I had no interest in staying beyond that month. However, I did return daily during August and September to collect your mail, water your yard, and check on the house.

It's now October. You have recently returned home. And I find your tally of charges a gross embellishment of our verbal agreement. And, quite honestly, Fool's name withheld, I am deeply disappointed in you. I am truly offended that you would attempt to achieve a selfish monetary goal by taking advantage of me.

These exaggerated charges are an affront to our friendship. I thought you were more decent than that. This is an obvious attempt to fleece a good friend who has always been generous to you in the past and present.

With regard to the electricity portion of the bill, I find the charges exorbitant. However, I will resist dismissing the amounts until you provide me with copies of monthly statements from Southern California Edison. The same with the costs of gas.

With regard to the water consumption portion of your invoice, this is flagrantly excessive, and you certainly know that. Again, this is an egregious attempt to swindle me and to take advantage of my affable nature. Surely you accept the obvious fact that the vast majority of the water usage at your house is from the timed sprinklers in your garden, as well as my daily watering (at your request) of the backyard grass, trees, and succulents. Of course, the major distribution of water was the complete refilling of your swimming pool (after leaving me without that amenity during the hottest days of July). So again, please provide me with water bills from May through August. As I was actually seldom "home" (having met an interesting person and in whose house I stayed more often than not), my use of your shower (and occasionally the washing machine) was the only source for water that I utilized.

As for your conspicuously greedy attempt to recoup the costs for the ordinary maintenance of your property—gardener, pool man, window washer, pest control, Internet, and trash collection—this is absurdly outrageous! Why would you consider, even for an instant, that I, or any renter, would absorb those homeowner's personal property maintenance responsibilities? I did retain your housekeeper as I wanted to keep your home as clean as possible and at your request.

Of course, Thickhead's name withheld, I am extremely eager to reimburse you for the cost of having your carpets cleaned following an apparent urinary accident by a friend's pet in your bedroom. I'm embarrassed that such a situation occurred. Please provide a copy of the cleaner's invoice, and I'll send you a check right away.

In summation, when you have the above-requested utility statements, please forward them to me at the above-referenced address. My accountant and I (and perhaps my attorney) will, of course, review them right away in order to arrive at an appropriate sum for reimbursement.

Please bear in mind that our agreement was verbal, and you were supposed to be offering me "a good deal." We agreed that would be for two months at $500, plus utilities. The standard definition of utilities is gas, electric, and water. Now you wish to charge me for every dimension of maintenance for your home. As a renter, I find this abusive. As a friend, I find it repugnant.

Remember when you asked me for, and I happily granted you, the use of my home for your wedding and reception without charge. Remember also when I invited you and your friends to stay at my home in England? I never expected any payment for your accommodations. Nor would I ever have considered being so tactless and third-rate as to make such a request of you or any friend. By presenting me with this bill, yours are the actions of a greedy person attempting to get the most money out of someone, not a friend dealing with a friend.

Please remember that I was without a swimming pool for weeks because you decided to have it re-plastered. The pool was a major reason for renting your home. I watered your yard daily at your request. I regularly made trips to the post office and forwarded your and Palooka's husband's name withheld mail to Blockhead's location withheld. And I made myself available to miscellaneous contractors such as the garage door repairman and pool resurfacing crew.

Our rent agreement was for two months (May and June), and I was not interested in renting during July, August, and September (you kept changing your return date). We never modified our agreement, and I rarely stayed at the property during that time. Simply delaying your return to Palm Springs does not create an additional obligation on my part. I was so dismayed by your attempt to bilk me that I spoke with an attorney in Los Angeles about this. He informed me that a rental agreement in California requires a written contract signed by both parties and stipulating the responsibilities of both parties. Additionally, the lawyer said that the contract is the landlord's obligation, and the fact that no written contract exists means that any ambiguities to the arrangement are generally held in favor of the tenant.

Against the advice of my attorney, I am prepared to offer you $2,000 (he said I should offer you $1,200) for settlement in full of any and all debts, just to be done with this sickening situation. I believe this is generous based on all of the above statements and facts. If you agree to this amount, you need not provide any copies of utility bills. Otherwise, please provide documents for any amounts for which you are seeking payment, and I will officially retain the attorney with whom I consulted. Please let me know how you wish to proceed with this matter.

I know that I was an extremely responsible guardian of your house and property throughout the time that you were away. Your attempt to gouge me for every expense you can think of leaves our friendship in grave peril. For that, I am truly sad.

Sincerely,

Richard Tyler Jordan

Alas, I can't imagine ever being the slightest bit friendly with these men again. In fact, a couple of years ago, we saw each other from across the room in a coffee shop, and neither of us made an attempt at greeting the other. Fine with me.

Fortunately, I know that I'm not the one at fault here. I previously observed how quickly they made and lost friends. There are several people I know who still associate with these gents but say dreadful things about them in private. I've heard from one of their acquaintances that they refer to me as "Richard, the guy who rented our home and destroyed the property." That's so laughable because anyone who knows me is aware of how well I treat others and their possessions.

Whatever. Just had to get this off my chest.

P.S.: Lesson learned: Always sign a contract, even when dealing with "friends."